Hamburger SWAT Camp

That title sounds like some random indie rock band. As strange as it sounds, I didn't just dream that up after drinking too much coffee - I actually went to SWAT camp in Hamburg for Colin's bachelor party.

It's now actually a couple of days since Colin and Claudia's wedding, but in the interest of keeping things in order I'll go back in time a week and a half to Saturday the 13th where a group of 5 of us (myself, Colin and 3 other guys) went to Hamburg for Colin's "Young Gazelle party". I can't remember exactly how they call it in German, but I think that was the translation. Colin was kept completely in the dark and only realised we were heading to Hamburg after studying road signs and maps while we were on the way. There were many semi serious jokes about dropping him in the north sea and the rest of us heading home. Colin was suitably nervous.

FYI, Hamburg I think is Germany's largest port, and one of the largest cities overall (second behind Berlin perhaps?). It's 2 and a half hours drive northeast of Heitel where Colin and Claudia's house is, although with some really irritating traffic from roadworks it took us close to 5 hours to get there. Oh, and that's 2 and a half hours of autobahn driving - I guess if you were in a decent car it could be quicker. We were travelling in the glorious luxury of 5 very tall men folded into a small Opel Corsa. I'm not exactly short - about average height at 180 cm, and I was by far the shortest of our bunch. Germans are freakishly tall in general - Claire is basically a dwarf to them.

So, SWAT camp. We all got suited up in overalls and funky vests with tool belts, and most fun of all - a holster for our sidearm. It fired small paintballs, but that didn't make it any less satisfying capping someone gangster style for drug money. Our equipment also included a spray can supposed to be pepper spray, and cable ties supposed to be handcuffs. We were put into a 5 man squad and I was the extra cool guy holding the riot shield. Wolf (Claudia's brother) started off with the big gun - a very awesome paintball gun that looks very convincing as a real assault rifle, with full-auto mode to boot.

What followed was a series of scenarios where the staff acted out some scene which we as the SWAT team had to handle. The whole thing happens over about a hectare of piled up car wrecks, it was really cool.

The first scenario was some petty gangsters holding a couple hostage in their car, which the gangsters were bashing with baseball bats. We were supposed to point our guns at them and talk them round into dropping their weapons. Needless to say, talks were unsuccessful and we opened fire and cable tied the corpses - just in case they came back to life.

I should also mention that throughout this experience all of the instructions were given in German. I had no idea what was going on half the time, so was really just following Colin's lead. I signed a document which I can only *assume* said something along the lines of if I die it's not their fault, and that they inherit all of my property.

Scenario two saw us take out a guy selling drugs from his caravan, and then ambush some other crack heads on their way to buy some goods. There was a point here that I realised that perhaps 2 squads of 5 SWAT guys each might be a bit much for the one drug dealer to have a chance.

I can't remember the premise for scenario 3, but involved sneaking up on some guys supposedly guarding a warehouse building. This was a little extra cool since we had to be all sneaky and take them out without shooting them. Once past the guards the shooting started, and I felt really cool charging at some dude with my shield and shooting him in the face (well, facemask, but the paint was covering his visor afterwards).

It didn't seem to me that the guys were really shooting back at all, although some of the other guys claimed to have been shot a few times. I guess the shield I was carrying was working a treat. In the last scenario things changed a bit for me. Here they had a tall tower with a really narrow staircase leading up it where they were again holding a female hostage. I definitely took a few hits this time trying to get up that tower - with all the orange smoke stuff they had coming out of smoke cans and the narrowness of the stairs the shield wasn't helping so much. I sort of lumbered my way into the room where the girl was being held. I think the terrorist guy was saying something like "stand back or I'll shoot the girl". Bad luck for the girl, because I couldn't understand German and went forward anyway with the squad behind me. He hid behind her for a bit, but we managed to get around her and took him out.

It was all really awesome. The only thing missing for me was a free-for-all shoot out thing. Considering this was Colin's bachelor party, he came out particularly unscathed, and I picked up far fewer bruises in 3 hours of Hamburger SWAT camp than I did in 40 minutes of paintball in Hamilton.

From here we took the party to the city centre for some dinner and a few beers. In Hamburg they have a street called Reeperbahn which is just lined with strip clubs and neon signs. What I found most annoying were the guys in suits standing outside actively trying to talk you in to their club. It felt kind of like homeless people asking for money, but seedier. None of us were really interested in going inside any of them, so we found our way to the less dodgy part of town and sat down for a few quiet ones.

Overall, an excellent day.