release...?

so I didn't want to play in the grass
and get my nice clothes dirty
because that's not what
little girls are supposed to do

and so began the rest of my life

I would try to act confident
at the beginning...
I told myself I wanted to spend time
with my Mum at lunchtime

and play with the preschoolers

it was just another place to go.
But it became a sanctuary
when I would sprint across the fields
as quickly as was possible

to the tune of your cries and insults, shouted.

my father told me
that I was too boney when
I sat on his knee.
But you called me fat

it was your favourite call, over and over

so I spent some time
reading in the meeting room
at the preschool
by myself

the smell of preschools still unsettles me

but then, somehow
I made new friends
they accepted me and
I didn't have to play in the grass

is this what little girls are supposed to do?

still it didn't stop
the whispers and the exclusion
not yet teenagers
but still children

can children appreciate the consequences of their actions?

one day I ran home
all the way
through the door and
into my mother's open arms

and cried hard. So did she.

so I changed schools
I left my few friends
and tried
to make new ones

well, that didn't work.

they made fun of my clothes
and my hair
and my crushes
my lack of friends

and it only got worse.

shut out of rooms
taunts and teasing
both boys and girls
so I would try to hide

wet days were the worst

I made friends with the little kids
and read them stories
they liked me
they appreciated me

the little kids didn't make fun of me

I remember the day when
about twenty of you
wouldn't let me
out of the room

you encircled me, a calculating pack of wolves

I made a good friend but
she went away a lot
so even the sunniest of days
was like prison

I tried to make friends with the teachers.

and you made fun of me for that.
I did well in schoolwork
maths, english, spelling
and you made fun of me for that

you wouldn't even let me enjoy schoolwork

even when I tried to be like you
wearing latest fashions
...but I picked the wrong
basketball cap

I never wore a basketball cap again

at high school it was
very slightly better for
the mean ones from primary
had somewhat dispersed

but the remaining ones formed new allies

unless you've been there
you simply can't understand
the Hell it is every day
when you have to go to school

and face another day like this

people say bullies are
wired differently and
they don't know what
they're doing but

don't tell me you couldn't see the anguish in my eyes

you have made me
you are haunting me
you always will
you know who you are

I will never forgive you